Carrying around incompletion

IMG_2191 Today's post is about incompletion.  First a question: what crimes are you currently holding yourself guilty for?

Incompletion can best be described as the situation where something from the past is preventing you from moving forward.

As humans, we generally pile up incompletions.  You'd think we were all hoarders and loved them, based on the amount of incompletion we generate in our lives.

Trying to create something new over top of incompletion is a lot like trying to build a new building on top of the rubble of an old building.  You might be able to do it, but your foundation will forever be weakened, and it doesn't take much to trigger a break.  It often ends up sounding like this:

"Yah, I could do that, but last time I did that, my husband did X and it became a great big fight"

 I often see incompletion when I'm working with clients in the area of relationships (romantic or otherwise).  In the past, the client might have shared in a moment of vulnerability, only to be betrayed or hurt by the person they were with.  From that moment on, the client vows to never again be taken advantage of in that way.

Sometimes the language even sounds like "I refuse to be held victim to that kind of thing ever again".  The sad irony is that, by holding on to that piece of the past, the person in question is actually the one victimizing themselves and their future.

So why do we hang on to this stuff so rigidly?

One common reason is that we have a belief that if we hang on to our scars, it will protect us in the future.  While there might be some degree of truth to that, it actually hampers us far more than it protects us.  Incompletion is often at the core of romantic relationships that are struggling - consider that you cannot experience true love without vulnerability.

Another reason we stay incomplete is because it gives us a sense of entitlement and power over the person that hurt us.  That incompletion - that hurt - allows us to stay superior to the other person.  No matter what they do or say from here forwards, we can always look to that and judge them for it.  There's a satisfaction to playing the victim.  If we are to get complete on something, it means we have to let go of that.

Getting complete requires a willingness to do so.  Have you ever heard someone tell you that they "forgive but don't forget" (or vice versa)?  This is a sure sign of someone carrying around a lot of incompletion.  True forgiveness means letting go of the very idea that that person ever did something wrong in the first place.  Getting truly complete means letting go of all the blame and judgment, so that you can move forward into something new.

Imagine the difficulty someone "forgiving but not forgetting" is going to have someone in a new relationship when they act in a way that is familiar to the incomplete one.  No vulnerability, no authenticity, no freedom, and no possibility.

So, what are the incompletions that you're currently holding on to?  What are you refusing to let go of, and why?  How is that scar-tissue blocking what you're currently up to?  It's not easy getting complete, but it's really the only way forward.