Some days — days like this one — I start to ask myself "Why the fuck are you doing this?"
There's a million easier things I could do that would make me decent money, provide more security, be ridiculously easier, and have me doubting myself less.
Sometimes I walk by Starbucks on my way to a meeting and fantasize about having a job where all I have to do is slang coffee and connect with the customer in front of me.
These days are seductive.
They invite me to hang out in the version of my life where I can identify everything that isn't working — everything that is currently wrong. They invite me to keep the spin going in a downward spiralling conversation.
They invite me to live in the fantasy of a life where everything is easy and there are no difficult decisions. Sometimes on these days, it becomes almost impossible to bear standing for another person and having fear get the better of them. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from burying myself under an avalanche of TV, substance abuse, video games and other forms of instant gratification.
But then I take a step back, and I look at the impact I'm committed to creating.
And then I ask myself, "Well, if I'm not going to do this, who the hell else is?"
Being the change you want to see in the world isn't easy. If it was, everybody would be /being/ it.
On days like these — the path forward for me is the last place I will normally look. Respite from those voices in my head doesn't lie underneath the avalanche of self-numbing and -gratifying.
Respite lies out here in the world. Re-presencing myself to the impact of my work. Reminding myself that someone doesn't have to sign over a sum of money to me for me to have fundamentally altered the way life occurs to them. Remembering that a farmer doesn't lose hope when a particular area in his garden doesn't sprout after being seeded.
A reminder to everyone living an uncommonly courageous life: Courage does not often take the road most easily travelled.